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A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault Read full profile. Trust is the rock upon which all relationships exist. If that rock is chipped away by deceit, over time the foundation crumbles. When something more serious happens such as infidelity in a marriage, the trust and foundation are broken in an instant. It is not easy to rebuild trust but it is possible. Whether the trust is broken between a friendship or a marriage, the steps and formula for overcoming the broken trust are the same. In any relationship where trust is broken, both parties must be willing to work through the brokenness in order to heal the relationship.
It is not a one sided process. When the party who has been hurt does not want to reconcile because the hurt is too deep, then the relationship cannot be restored.
Likewise, if the offending party does not want to own up to their wrong doing that broke the trust, then the relationship cannot be restored in that situation either. Both sides must be willing to come to the table and be open, honest, and vulnerable. They must also care enough to want to put forth the effort that is required to make the relationship work again. In fact, it requires a great deal from both parties involved. If you answered yes, and the other party has also said yes, then the formula below will help both parties work through the broken trust so the relationship can be restored.
The good news is that when using this formula, both parties can Repair a relationship when trust is broken more emotionally healthy and the relationship can be strengthened. When trust is broken and both parties are willing to do what it takes in this formula to make the relationship work, then that relationship is strengthened and enhanced. Some of the enhancements may include greater closeness, improved transparency, sincere vulnerability, and open communications that create a better, longer lasting relationship.
This process works for marriages, romantic relationships, friendships, co-workers, family members, and more.
The goal of this method is to have healing, to restore the relationship, and for trust to be fully established once again. The COME part of the formula is for the party that is the offender. This is the person who did something that broke the trust in the relationship. The person who was hurt and whose trust was broken is to use the FORTH part of the formula to work through the hurt to learn to trust again. It is not an easy or quick process for either party. It requires commitment, vulnerability, openness, and a willingness to communicate from both parties.
Therefore, explanations are worded in a manner to address those specific parties under each letter. Now is the time to come clean about whatever it is that you have done to wrong your loved one, friend, co-worker, or someone else who you hurt by breaking their trust.
It is better for you to admit your wrong doing and genuinely seek forgiveness before they find out from someone else. Before you approach the individual to come clean, know what you are going to say. Make sure your heart is in a state of seeking forgivness and wanting to heal the relationship by telling them. If you are Repair a relationship when trust is broken and blaming them for your wrong doing in any way, then you are likely to cause more division rather than getting on the right path toward healing the relationship.
If the violation you are coming clean about is in regard to infidelity, then you should admit your wrongdoings without giving graphic details. Your loved one does not need to be hurt with details pertaining to the specific sexual encounter. Once you provide those details they can not be erased from your loved ones mind and they will leave a lasting scar in their mind. This scar and those thoughts will make it harder for them to overcome the betrayal.
Instead come clean with the basics and make the conversation more about your desire to change, and your commitment to never offend in this manner again adopting a zero tolerance policy toward deception, deceit, and infidelity. Do answer all of their questions. If they ask specific questions about the affair, answer openly and honestly. When you are coming clean, begin with letting the other person know how much you value them which is why you are coming clean. Talk about your past, the value of the relationship for both of you, and the need to get through this to have a fresh start together.
Prefacing your talk on coming clean with this information should help put the other person in a better frame of mind for accepting the information and also a willingness to want to heal the relationship. You need to be apologetic and sincerely remorseful for your wrong doing. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you have hurt. How would you feel if the situation was flipped and you were the one who had been hurt and whose trust was broken?
Find the courage to be remorseful and to show your remorse through your sincere, and thoughtfully worded, apology. Explain how you regret your actions and vow to never Repair a relationship when trust is broken it again. Mean what you say by doing what you say. Trust cannot be regained unless your words match your actions. When you are coming clean, expect a reaction from the other person. The level of hurt you have inflicted will likely correlate with the level of the reaction.
There may be crying, yelling, sobbing, and even harsh words. Prepare yourself emotionally to witness these emotions and not respond Repair a relationship when trust is broken anything other than empathy and care. Remain calm and keep a level head. Brace yourself for the emotions and words that may be coming.
Know that they will eventually stop. You want the relationship to work, so you need to be strong when you experience their reaction. Strong means having an empathetic and calm reaction. You can do this by expressing how sorry you are and how much you care for the person, which is why you are coming clean and want to make things right in the relationship. If you are not willing to admit your wrong doing and apologize then the relationship cannot heal.
The other steps in this formula and process hinge on the necessity of you, the offending party, to admit your wrong doing and ask for forgiveness. You must take responsibility for your actions, admit your wrong doing, and ask for forgiveness in a sincere manner. If you are not willing to come clean, withholding of the truth can be even more detrimental to the relationship than the actual violation. Keep this in mind, because not admitting to wrong doing may prevent the relationship from ever being restored. Know your priorities. Do you want a good relationship?
Do you want things to be healed? If the answer is yes, then coming clean is foundational to this process. Once you have completed the first step and have come clean about your offence, then the next step is to be open emotionally. What this really means is that you need to listen to the sincere thoughts and emotions from the person you have hurt.
Avoid any knee-jerk reactions to defend yourself. They need to get these words off their chest to process their hurt. Listen with a heart that is willing to see what you did Repair a relationship when trust is broken, a desire to never hurt them in this manner again, and a willingness to help them process their hurt by simply listening with empathy. Especially when the other person is talking about how you have hurt them. The necessity for more apologizing will correlate with the level of hurt you inflicted on the other person. What you are apologizing for is the various ways you have caused the hurt.
The truth of the affair and infidelity is one hurt, it is another hurt that that you lied about skipping dinner. Furthermore, it is a compounded hurt because you made this other person the person with whom you cheated more important than your own family. Apologizing and listening with empathy will help the healing process to begin.
This is also a time when you, the offending party, need to do some soul searching. What was it that caused you to cheat? Resist the temptation to blame others. Seek understanding from within yourself. Look to your inner fears and you are likely to find some answers. For example, if you cheated you may have done so out of fear of abandonment issues.
Your fear of being alone caused you to seek out another relationship as a back up to your current relationship. Understanding your fear of abandonment and getting professional help for your own hurt is imperative in the healing process. Meaningful conversations following the coming clean and asking of forgiveness is the next step in the process of healing the broken trust. When emotions have calmed and anger has begun to subside, the other party may be willing to sit down and hear why you did what you did.
Again, it is never appropriate to place blame back on the victim. Instead use what was revealed to you in your soul searching process as a starting point for making meaningful conversations. If the other person cares for you and your relationship then they will want to help you process through whatever fears or emotional difficulties you are experiencing that caused you to violate their trust.
It helps the other person realize that the issue was not with them. It was because you have fear of abandonment issues. Talk about that fear and open up to the person your hurt. They deserve to understand why it happened. This will also help to lift the burden of responsibility from them. For example, if you took money from a family that is used to care for your elderly parents and used it for personal reasons your siblings would want to know why.
Doing so, you feared that they would perceive you as a failure. Knowing that it happened, not because they trusted you too much, but because you had had Repair a relationship when trust is broken fears, problems, and emotional issues going on helps absolve their unfounded guilt. They trusted all family members who had access to the and trust is a valuable asset. There is nothing wrong with keeping tabs on thebut there is also nothing wrong with simply trusting all parties involves, especially if there has never been an issue in the past. Finding out the real cause underneath of why the trust was violated helps those who have been victimized feel less burdened by any feelings of responsibility for the cause of the trust violation.
The goal is understanding the root cause and the underlying emotional issues, so that healing can happen in the relationships. The fourth step for the person who has violated trust in the relationship is to engage in full transparency. This should be something offered up before even asking. If you are the offending party, you should desire for them to trust you again. For example, if you were part of a charity planning event and you took money from the event for personal use, then you need to be fully transparent with the s and paperwork with the other individuals working on the event.
Not only from the past, but moving forward so that everyone involves knows that trust can be regained. If the situation involves infidelity then transparency with phone records, texts, social media s, and s should be made transparent.
This means the passwords are freely given and the other party can check on things whenever they choose. This will help them regain a sense of trust because of your willingness to be transparent and provide any information that was ly unknown or hidden. If you lack a willingness for transparency then you need to do some soul searching. What are you still hiding? If you have something else you need to share with them, there is no better time than the present to share that information. Full transparency, means that you admitted to everything.
If you are still hiding something it makes transparency very difficult.
Forgiveness is the first step in healing the relationship on the end of the victim.Repair a relationship when trust is broken
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How to Rebuild Trust After a Betrayal